What's holding me back?

Confession time...

Instead of cooking dinner last night, I got lazy and went out to dinner with my husband and brother. I knew I should have stayed away from pasta, but the majority vote was to go to Olive Garden...so I went.

I noticed last night, that it is REALLY hard to find ANYTHING on the Olive Garden menu that can be remotely close to helping me stick to my eating regime. If it isn't pasta, it's fried. So, I stuck with a tortellini dish with portobello mushrooms and braised beef. I ate a little less than half the dish before I decided it was time for me to stop. However, before the meal, I had some salad, bread and some of the appetizer, which included fried food.

Honestly, I have NO idea why I ate what I ate. I knew that what I was eating was bad for me...but I did it anyway. I'm so disappointed in myself. Not only for slipping up on my eating, but for something else....

I haven't worked out or been to the gym once since I stated my promise. I keep making excuses for myself. Telling myself that once I am able to buy new running shoes, I'm going to hit the gym full force. I have to ask myself....what is holding me back? Why do I continue to make excuses for myself?
Some days I sit back and think..."you know what? I'm just going to do what I've been doing. Eat what I want, do what I want and screw trying to work out. If I gain weight, oh well. If people love me, they love me for me..."

But...if people hate me....then what?
I don't know the answer to that question....wait, yes I do. I can't stand for people to hate me. Why? Because I'm a people pleaser and as a people pleaser, I put others before me. I think that is why I gave in last night and went to Olive Garden. I wanted to please everyone even though I knew it wasn't a good choice for me. I don't want to be conceived as the "bitch" or the "selfish one".

I have to ask myself...is that what I am doing for my entire life? Giving in and letting others have their way, even if I know it's not best for me...?
I think when you lack self confidence, you tend to do what others want you to do. Because you want to feel accepted, loved and appreciated. And I seriously thought peer pressure ended once high school was over....I guess not.

I want to succeed SO bad, but I'm afraid to start in fear of failing. But I just realized that failing would be not starting at all. It's amazing how hard you can really push yourself and how much you can really handle. You never really know the answer to that until you are at the finish line, looking back. I'm tired of seeing everyone else succeed, but me. I want to be the successful one for a change....but I refuse to be the victim....so I'm going to make it happen!

I want to be the girl at the finish line SO bad...I want to have a sense of pride in myself, knowing that I can do it through anything and that I can do it by myself, if I have to. It's more a statement of independence, self accountability and confidence....losing weight and being healthier, at this point, is just a bonus.

My birthday is coming up... I don't want it to be a disappointing 28th birthday. I want my 28th year to be the best yet and the most healthy and I want that to continue in my coming years. I have 2 more years until I am 30 and I want to enter 30 with more wisdom, health and self discovery. I don't want to stop growing or stop learning about myself...but I have to be more firm in knowing who I am by the time I'm 30.