Friendships: The good, the bad and the ugly.

SO...here's the deal....  My friend, Catherine...she's kinda like my angel, I think. 
Last night, I was SO down on myself, thinking that nothing was going to turn around and then I get an email this morning from Catherine.  She wants to help me out by us sharing a food log together.  And she's also going to show me some exercises that involve cardio, but ones that don't involve running.  So, that solves my no new running shoes problem...thank you!!

Our food log starts tomorrow.  I'm kind of worried, because....then that means I have to be TOTALLY honest about the foods I'm eating.  Good thing I ate that whole bag of popcorn yesterday!  That won't be on the food log!  Oops!!  I wasn't supposed to type that out...haha!!  WELL, what's done, is done...

Tomorrow starts a fresh chapter, in terms of eating.  I'm struggling with my meal plans though.  Right now I'm starring at a meal list that only has one meal on it.  This eating right business is hard, constant work!  Also, it's REALLY hard to find meals that everyone in the household likes AND that doesn't involve bread or pasta or any other starch AND ones that aren't insanely expensive to make!  UGH!!  I just want to get the hang of it already!  But in due time...I will...I just have to be patient...  I'm hoping that eventually, I will just start to make healthier choices and that this will be SO easy for me.  But I fear that no matter what, I'm always going to struggle.  I mean, it is one of the reasons why I'm still over weight and my weight is always up and down and never stays put.

I know this is out of the norm for me, but...I have had something else on my mind...  It's been stressing me out.  The other day, I got into an argument with a "friend".  The reason why "friend" is in quotations is because I thought "they" were my friend...but I was heart broken to find out "they" weren't....  It's funny how things can change so quickly.  It's funny how things you think will last forever, don't.  But hey...you have to get over phases sometimes, right?

I was thinking about our argument this morning.  I was sitting on the edge of my bed, starring at myself in the large mirrored sliding door in front of our closet.  Looking at myself and basically feeling disgusted with myself.  Not just with my weight, but how I let a "friend" use me and let me think I really mattered.  I mean, how low do I really have to sink before I finally get it?  Then my thought circled back around to my self esteem.  If I had higher self esteem, I would have been able to smell this "friend's" game from a mile away...but at the time, I didn't....and that really sucks...  I'm just really glad I realized it now, so now I know not to waste any more time or energy on it.  I just now feel bad for all the people who are in the position I was once in with a similar friend.  Their self esteem is so low that they think they need to keep this "friend" around, who doesn't even care.  I really despise friendships that are more giving on my part and a lot of taking on the other person's part.  I totally know better...  This change is a good change.  I'm completely sure of that now.  I don't have time to wait around for people who don't care.  I've got better things to do!
This just makes me realize what amazing friends and family I have already and I am SO thankful for that!!

On another note...last night, I was walking my dog, Scout, with my husband and the sprinklers were on.  We were on the other side of the building, so we weren't getting wet.  WELL, then Scout decides to take a huge dump and guess what...the poop trash on the complexes grounds is right where the sprinklers were going off.  So I just did it!  I ran through the sprinklers!  All in the name of...someone not stepping in poop...cause man, it TOTALLY sucks when you do!  But I, yes of course, squealed like a girl while I was running and getting shot in the face with a stream of water and getting wet.  But I couldn't stop laughing when I finally made it under my building's roof.  I was simply happy and I didn't care that I just ran through sprinklers for poop...haha!!  I was happy and smiling and laughing and that...I haven't really genuinely done that in a long while.  And I liked the feeling of that...I liked the feeling of being genuinely happy.  And then I thought, "oh...so this is what it feels like..." and I want more of that.  I think that being fit and healthy will help me achieve that goal and that change in my life.  Because let's face it, I hate being FAT.  Yes, I am calling myself fat...because I am!  There's no tip toeing around the truth.  I just am and I know I have to change that.

Now, before you jump to conclusions...I am completely happy with my husband and yes, he makes me laugh everyday.  But I want something more than that.  I not only want that and his love, but I want to be genuinely happy and balanced within myself.  I want that self esteem I'm lacking.  I don't want to feel uncomfortable in myself anymore.  It's time for me to break free!  It's time for me to stop suppressing and it's time for me to truly be me!  I can not wait!!

I've always had this silly image of myself, that once I lose weight and I'm fit and healthy that I will all of the sudden become like one of the poster children for fit and health.  A success story.  A cheesy one at that...and then I'm running and laughing and shining my pearly whites and my dog is running behind me and there is this field of flowers and, yada, yada, yada...blah, blah, blah... haha!! CUT!!  That scene is TOTALLY over!!  Back to reality....